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| DIVORCE: Can It Feel This Good? |
| 2003年07月07日10:11:23 中青在线 Kathryn Hughes |
作者以尼科尔·基德曼和汤姆·克鲁斯的婚姻为例，用生动流畅、深入浅出的语言探讨了现代女性为何在离婚中占据有利的地位。
Nicole Kidman's joyous face after completing her divorce from Tom Cruise tells a story. Why women often fare1 better after the break-up?
It is the moment that every woman-or at least every one who has had to endure an unhappy marriage-recognises. Head thrown back, actress Nicole Kidman lets out a scream of joy at the realisation that, this time, it really is over.
Kidman's confidence that this is the right decision, is shared by millions of other women around the world. For all the evidence, both statistical and anecdotal,2 suggests that women fare better in divorce than men. While at the moment Tom may seem to be moving on at a rate of knots,3 chances are that in five years time it is Nicole who will be having the fewer regrets about their parting. So far, Kidman is providing a textbook explanation4 for why women cope better with break-ups than men.
She has been pictured in Australia with a separated girl's most important friend - her mother. If, as reports suggest, Nicole is planning to move with her children back to her home country, she can count on a good network of female family members to help take the strain of single motherhood.
It is this ability of women to create strong sustaining networks of female friends that gets them through the worst days of divorce.5 Even if she is in a good relationship, a woman will have close girlfriends with whom she talks about everything that is going on her life. If the marriage breaks up, she still has that support system in place.6 Men, by contrast, are much more likely to report that their spouse is their sole confidante:7 lose the marriage and they lose their best friend.
It is this putting of all their emotional eggs in one basket8 which informs men's different responses to divorce. The sensible ones get hitched again, and as soon as possible: in the over-45 age group they lead women in the remarriage stakes by almost 10 per cent. The sad ones, meanwhile, just get sadder.
Self-harm comes in many forms, all of which show up in the research literature on divorce and the gender gap. Men's physical health, for instance, is higher inside marriage: unmarried men between 45 and 64 are twice as likely to die within 10 years as married men of the same age. 'A man who lives with a woman will not only eat better and drink less, he also goes to the doctor sooner with symptoms,' reports Penny Mansfield, Director of a marriage research organization. 'There is someone to nag him about taking care of himself.'
For women, the health advantages of getting married are less clear. While better nutrition and health care -the result of being part of a double or higher income unit-may be part of the package, there is also the extra burden that comes with looking after other people. Whether a woman decides that the extra work of marriage is worth it comes down to the emotional and practical support that she gets from her partner.10 Research found that men consistently overestimate their own contribution to domestic responsibilities and underestimate that of their wives.
It's this gap between expectation and reality which seems to trigger a woman's desire to leave a marriage. Once a woman starts to feel unsupported by her partner, she also realises that she feels just as alone as she ever did as a single person. In which case, she may ask herself whether she wouldn't be better off on her own. Men, on the other hand, are less affected by the quality of the marriage, and more concerned with the simple fact of its existence. Just being married, even to someone who makes your heart sink, brings men significant satisfactions. No wonder, then, that they have to be dragged into divorce kicking and screaming:11 for every seven separations initiated by women, men bring only three.
The picture of Nicole Kidman dancing down the street at the thought of being free from Tom Cruise was flashed around the world as an iconic image of how modern women are thriving on divorce.12 But it's important not to let Kidman's pose sweep reason away. For the fact remains that marriage is good for women as well as men, married women are healthier and happier than their single sisters. While there can be no doubt that divorce can be a positive step for many people, what we need to do now is concentrate on helping people build healthy relationships which last. For while there is something exhilarating about Nicole Kidman's whoop13 of joy, let no one forget the years of silent unhappiness which preceded it.
1. fare:生活；进展。
2. anecdotal/:轶事的，趣闻的。
3. at a rate of knots:飞快地，极迅速地。
4. a textbook explanation:一个合乎规范的解释。
5. 女性有建立强有力的、能支撑自己的同性朋友圈的能力，是这个能力让她们度过离婚时最坏的日子。
6. in place:在原来的位置。
7. confidante/:知心女友。8. put all one’s eggs in one basket:把一切希望寄托在一件事上。
9.（在婚烟中）有人对他唠叨，让他照顾好自己。
10.一个女人决定婚姻带来的额外工作是否值得取决于她的另一半在感情上及行动上对她的支持。
11. kick and scream:＜口＞大声抱怨。
12.尼科尔·基德曼那想到了从汤姆·克鲁斯那儿获得自由而沿着街边跳舞的照片散布到了全世界，这是现代女性如何由于离婚而获得生机的生动写照。
13. whoop:高喊，高叫。
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